When it Rains it Pours

Have you ever noticed that sometimes during your single life you have an abundance of men? I see this very often and I remember it clearly myself. When it rains, it pours. You can go from a drought to a new guy for each night.

The older we become the longer the droughts last, they can go from weeks to months to years. When men approach you in groups, it’s normal to think that it will last forever, kind of like an up market. When the market is up, you never hear talk of what to do when it goes down again, and it always goes down.

During the good times, your brain neglects to plan for the worst but that is exactly what you should do. Instead we get greedy and look for the perfect guy, who (in our mind) is right around the corner. I have a girlfriend who invested in eHarmony and when she signed up, it changed her cosmic aura or something because not only was she meeting men from the site but from being out and about as well. Basically she went from no men to way too many. The next thing I know she’s getting more and more picky about her affection towards them.

For example, I liked this one guy that she met at my birthday party. We were all sitting at the table and this guy went straight to her and asked her out. I thought he was cute (though to be fair she’s never really been into looks). However, she didn’t give him - or any other guy for that matter - a chance. Instead she found excuses to become emotionally unavailable.   

“I don’t like him, he’s too stocky”

“I don’t like that one, he’s too short.”

“I don’t like him…I don’t know why, I just don’t.”

Now it’s New Years and she doesn’t even have a date to take her out. She hasn’t had a date in the last 3 or 4 months.

Please understand that the influx of men will not last forever.

So the next time it rains men, what I’d like you to do is make each guy feel as if he’s the most important person you are dating. The reason why is because when men don’t feel special they leave and even though you are casually dating you don’t want them all leaving you. The power position is where you make the decision to leave.

The other benefit of making a guy feel special is that he will put his best foot forward and in turn that should give you a good platform to make a decision. Make time for all of them, they will fall off on their own anyway because they are also dating other women, but you don’t want to lose them because of your ego. You want to ultimately pick the best one or the one that shines the most.

**Tails**

It’s ok to date more than one guy at a time, the best way to avoid the conversation is by saying that you casually date until you are in a committed relationship. 

The Good and Bad of the Reality Show Era

Reality shows…

We love them! Some people like the drama, some like the decadence, others like that the people on the shows have lives more screwed up than theirs.

You know what I like about reality shows? Love is a better adjective, I love that the people on the shows are going after their dreams. They are dream chasers and that’s an admirable quality to have in my book. All of those shows have people going after something, be it marriages, restaurants, new sports teams, shoe lines, friends, a new life for their kids.

I also like that reality shows are where I get to see people that look like me. The other day I flipped from Love and Hip Hop, Housewives of Atlanta, to The Game and I was so excited just seeing all that brown skin. I’m in Hollywood, I was an actress for 7 years and it didn’t go anywhere. An old friend was one of the producers on 2 and a Half Men, not Chuck but the other one and I asked him if I could audition for one of the female parts. My type was the hot model and they had lots of models on that show. He told me that middle America didn’t want to see Charlie Sheen flirt with a Black woman. It pissed me off so bad, mainly because he was flirting with me, really hard and plus I had gone on two dates with the brother on the show. Forget middle America! The reality is that white men dig Black women and it should be shown or at least something so that sisters could get a job too. I say all that to say... I know how hard it is for Black women and men to be on TV. And now, my husband points out that Latinas play blacks all the time - which reduces our presence even more. So I will take whatever reality show I can to see some diversity.

What I don’t like is the animal nature of the characters, screwing and fighting. That’s all you got. It’s great for entertainment, but take it as that and please don’t try to be that way in real life. I also dislike the simplicity of the gold diggers on TV, athletes and entertainers, that’s all you have but what scares me is that young women don’t understand that this isn’t normal! Real men don’t care for that type of behavior.  

  

Watch those shows but understand it is show business.

**Tails**

Reality shows are all about money and bling but real life is about accumulating assets and decreasing your liabilities. Create a habit of saving money not spending it trying to look like a celebrity. If the stuff in your closet is worth more than you have saved, you have a problem!

Baby Talk

Try to read this objectively and without judgmentt. Baby talk is a weapon that should be kept in your back pocket and used when needed. In the meantime I want you to practice using this very necessary tool that is specific to women. Try it out on guys you casually date to see what types work best.

There are two types of baby talk, actual baby talk where you change the letters of a word and physical baby talk where you pout and use childlike behavior, for example saying “tickle tickle” when you tickle his tummy. I personally think that all men like a little baby talk and women should know how to do it. No matter how powerful your position is in real life or how much money you make, at the end of the day you are still someone’s girlfriend.   

I have a sorority sister who is an attorney and she was the first person I’ve ever seen to actively use baby talk, she’s a sister too. Whenever she spoke to a guy she would raise her voice and it was actually kind of adorable…to me! Guys ate it up. I never gave myself permission to be that “foolish,” I didn’t get it.

After I modeled and saw my girlfriends sprinkle in baby talk to their boyfriends and sugar daddies then I took note. Some of the die hard sugar baby blonds only spoke in baby talk; all the damn time! It made girls hate them of course, but they were professional sugar babies and didn’t give a care about what we thought. 

I also knew of a 3^rd grade school teacher who would land all these rich fiancés with baby talk, “snicky-wicky can you get me a milkie-wilkie?”

Some men appreciate baby talk when it’s used at appropriate times. What I find is that it works to get guys to do what you want. Don’t do it all the time and I recommend using it outside of the bedroom instead of as foreplay.

**Tails**

It's more about the action than the words. A good way to implement baby talk is by pouting. It's super silly and shows that you don't take yourself too seriously. A guy rather you pout than yell at him.

The “I Need A Man Who I Can’t Walk Over” Lie

I was reading Media Take Out and they mentioned that Nicki Minaj’s boyfriend had beat her a few times or something like that. Now, the validity of this claim aside, the reality is that talented beautiful girls in all walks of life are constantly hooking up with guys who hit them. I wondered why and remembered this phrase I had repeatedly heard from lost souls, “I can’t date a man that let’s me walk all over him.” When I asked these girls what they meant, they said they didn't like men who let them talk to them any old type of way; they need a man who stands up for himself.

That thinking is very flawed and I’m sure it can be traced back to an abusive relationship that was witnessed by a child. The problem is that you shouldn’t talk to men “any old type of way” in the first place, so “checking” you shouldn’t be an issue. I don’t know what type of behavior women expect from these men who “check” them but it usually isn’t good. Self respect is great and your man should respect himself but please don’t mistake a man’s desire to please you and make you happy as a sign of weakness. If you do, you need professional help, it’s only a matter of time before someone starts smacking you.

When looking for a man, the first thing you should look for is a guy who kisses the ground you walk on and wants to please you, because after that everything else will fall into place. Your man shouldn’t have to worry about you talking to him any type of way because you just won’t.

My little brother is an ass towards women and the chicks he dates are so stupid that words can’t be wasted towards them. He cheats on all of them and takes money from one to spend on the other - just low down. I asked him why he treats women the way he does, he said because they allow it. It confused me, why would you treat them like that in the first place then punish them for liking you? So I am asking you to comprehend what my brother is too simple to get, don’t treat men poorly first and then punish them for liking you because the only alternative that you get is a man that doesn’t like your dumb behind.  

In the case of domestic violence, do you punish the man for hitting the woman or the woman for staying? Same thing.

**Tails**

A big misconception women have is that men care about what we think. Practice being agreeable, you don't have to agree but say "I never thought of it like that. That's interesting." make a joke and change the subject.

How to Avoid Relationship Purgatory

A friend of mine moved to DC and while we were catching up I told her about my business…you know being a dating coach for Black women and all. She immediately went to a situation that’s been bothering her.

She told me, “I have a girlfriend who has been with a guy for 6 years and she wants to get married but it doesn’t seem like he wants to. She tells the guy that she will never leave him and she won’t. Can you give me one sentence to have my friend get out of that situation? ”

Hells yeah, I sure can. The sentence is, “Allow a man to see the amazing wife and mother you will be while staying just out of reach so he has to make you his wife to get the full package.”  

Once you start being a “ride or die chick” without being a wife, then you’ve lost.  He already has everything he wants without the security that you desire. If your final goal is marriage then you have lost, big time.

Think about it! If you were to go to a carwash and they washed and detailed your car for free all the time but then all of a sudden they wanted you to pay, I bet you would stop going to that car wash.  I know I would! And you know what else? The next car wash that I go too, I will do my homework. They will get paid but I’d get the best value. I would never pay the car wash that I took for free. It’s just human nature, we don’t value free shit.

Relationship purgatory is best for men because it allows the woman to be monogamous without the man truly committing. It doesn’t really work for women because each year that we lose, makes us “less marketable.” (Not really but men tell us this lie). The worst thing that a guy can think of is a another man in your sweet honey pot, sorry to be crass but it is! A man will marry you to avoid that but if there is no threat, why does he have to?

As heterosexual women, we are quite fond of love rods and if you aren’t married then you should have the freedom to play with every twig and berry of your liking, whether you chose to or not. Ideally you should be so hot and in demand that the boyfriend should understand that you adore him but if he’s not playing by the rules another man will come and snatch you right from under him.

Live in that world ladies!

You are not winning by being in an uncommitted relationship, you aren’t! You are missing out! You are the prize and if he’s not on board, that is fine because there is no shortage of men checking for you.

**Tails**

Most purgatory happens because the chick can not afford to move, keep two months savings. And consult with a palimony attorney to see if you are entitled to financial support from the long term boyfriend.

Act Pretty

I was watching a show called Why Am I Still Single and one of the dating coaches mentioned that a client “acted pretty” and that was half the battle of finding a good mate. I’ve never heard that term, “act pretty” but after thinking about it, I like it.

Black women don’t generally “act pretty” because we weren’t taught to act that way whereas my white girlfriends, especially the blonds are rewarded for pretty behavior. As a result of being rewarded with attention, popularity, gifts and boys, those girls teach the same behavior to their children. What they don’t usually do is share their secrets with their friends because friends are considered competition.

Luckily for you, I’m not afraid of competition.

Why should we act pretty? Why should we “act” anything?

I talked about this with a girlfriend who really disliked the “acting” word. Don’t mistake acting for being fake, it’s not the same. When I was in my early twenties I studied improv, our warm up exercise was to jump into an emotion and play it at level “10” from the start. What I learned from committing to that behavior is that it quickly became real. So by “acting” pretty you are faking it until you make it. It doesn’t matter if you don’t think you look good enough because the guy on the date with you disagrees.

For most men, pretty behavior correlates to femininity and it triggers something deep inside that makes them act like gentlemen. I have tested this theory so much and each time it’s the same. Men revel in the opportunity to show you that they are men.  If being a lady encourages them to act like a gentleman, the opposite behavior gets the opposite results. Simple huh?

How can someone act pretty? 

• Smile - It all starts there. Be very generous with your laughter.
• Lashes - For some reason fake lashes or full lush lashes just makes guys melt.
• Dress Like a Lady - There is nothing wrong with wearing a dress to meet someone, effort is a good thing
• Baby Talk - Speak softly and don’t be afraid to use “baby talk”. Look I have a degree and a career just like everyone else, but men, no matter how rich or poor, love damn baby talk.  
• Listen- What does that have to do with being pretty? Listening to a man makes him feel more like a man and that will make you hotter to him.

Please note that pretty doesn’t mean half naked, sexually aggressive, trashy, air headed, bimbo and high maintenance.

**Tails**

Make a date special by dressing up. Not major but just a little it shows that you care.

New Years Resolutions For Your Love Life

Oh where to start, where to start.

If you are serious about finding new love in the New Year then you might need to make some serious changes now!

Follow these 5 steps to change your life

1. Find a relationship coach for a check up. This brother once told me that there are “a lot of undiagnosed Black folks running around.” It sounds funny but it’s so true. Seriously examine yourself, especially if you are overweight. I once read that 1 out of 4 Black women have been sexually assaulted and that obesity is a sign of depression. If you connect the dots, you realize that many of our obese women are depressed. Deal with that first. I recommend relationship strategist Charly Emery (www.charlysense.com). Think of me as an auto body shop and Charly as a mechanic. I can make you look good on the outside but if you are broken on the inside, none of it matters. Fix that first. If you don’t have Charly try a life coach, but make sure you chose a process with a beginning and an end..
2. Practice saying kind words. Negativity is a sign of insecurity. It doesn’t matter how “bomb” you are, if you are insecure you drop a point or two. Fake it until you make it. Don’t talk about your perceived shortcomings on dates. None of that exists, only say nice things in front of strangers. I don’t care what you believe, when you are out and about, be nice.
3. Step it up. Learn how to put on make up. Have your 5 minute face and your 25 minute face. I recommend bare minerals foundation, a nice blush, neutral eye shadow, mascara and lipstick, gloss is so young and immature to me. Go to the department store and ask for help. Don’t target the Goth makeup artist, find the girl with the classic beauty makeup. Men say they don’t like women who wear lots of makeup. What that means is they don’t want to see a lot of bad makeup. They love natural makeup.
4. Try something new! Get out and meet new people. Try Meet Up groups, Match.com, Jdate, Eharmony, Blackpeoplemeet, Blind Dates, etc. Just get out. Go to a new happy hour near your office each week. Meet a girlfriend, or go alone. Strike up a conversation and make a friend. Try questions like, “what do you recommend I try?” Then go to number 5.  
5. Flirt. Try not to take this the wrong way, flirting is simply being available, (instead of standoffish) and making people feel good. You can be heterosexual and flirt with women as well as men. Initiate conversations, non-sexual please, and enjoy the person. Try to fall in love with something about every new person you meet. I like to fall in love with the eyes. 

Start here and your love life will change for the better.